Some Quickies

Quickie #1
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in
a very sexy nightie.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get the hell out.”

Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband.

Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.”

“Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of
chardonnay.”

Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!

Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I’m driving.”

Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolinamountain man,
was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
been looking for Herman for 51 years

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